49 min: England are an absolute shambles at the moment. Yet again they fail to release the ball at a breakdown, and a penalty is conceded. It's central, right by the halfway line, and missed to the right by Rodriguez. The kicking tonight has been almost uniformly appalling. "I notice James Haskell talks about getting the result 'we deserve'," writes Niall Mullen. "Has he been talking to the football boys?"
47 min: Now it's England's turn to be given a chance to go for goal, from distance, out on the right. Wilkinson gives the penalty a rare old hoof, but it's not happening for him today so far, and the effort sails well wide right. "Nobody here gives a damn that England are wearing black shirts, despite repeated attempts by the media of both nations to get a story out of it," reports Peter from Wellington. "The locals don't care. They're rubbish shirts though, the numbers are falling off. Great to see Dylan Hartley in a black shirt though. I used to teach him in Rotorua when he was 13, and his ambition was to play international rugby in a black shirt. A proper one, obviously."
44 min: PENALTY. England 3-9 Argentina. Rodriguez strokes the penalty straight between the sticks, from close range, a few yards to the left. Cole, having laid down some heavy riffs, comes back onto the pitch.
43 min: After Rodriguez is tackled, there's a minor brouhaha down the wing. Argentina concede a penalty. Wilkinson amazingly fails to find touch as he clears upfield. Dear God. Argentina are straight back at England, Bosch nearly bashing through the English defence down the left. Then Imhoff has a go. Eventually England concede their 890th penalty of the game, another offside.
And we're off! "England have been typically dreadful and an insult to rugby teams wearing black," writes Richard S. "The real All Blacks provided more dynamism and excitement in 40 minutes yesterday than this team will provide in the whole tournament, and I'm a die-hard England fan. They look slow and lost for purpose as has been so often the case with Johnno. Not good enough, again." Well, let's see if they can improve in the second half. The 14 men of England restart the game. Argentina snaffle the ball and hoof it straight down the middle. The ball takes a deflection, allowing an Argentina player to make it to the long kick before England's men, and soon enough Rodriguez is haring down the left wing. He nearly breaks clear, but is tackled at the last.
HALF-TIME ANALYSIS: England are so bad, they're almost certain to reach the final. Lump on, folks, lump on.
HALF TIME: England 3-6 Argentina. And that's that for the half. England were nothing short of appalling. "Dan Cole looks the guy who used to play bass in Queens of the Stone Age," suggests Marty O'Connor. "As I recall, his schtick was playing naked. Probably for the best that Cole doesn't emulate that."
40 min: A drop goal attempt by Agulla falls short by nearly 20 yards. Argentina's kicking has been dismal. Otherwise, they've been superb, mind.
39 min: Camacho sashays past a couple of tackles 20 yards out and flings the ball out wide right. Ledesma so nearly bursts over for a try, but is bundled out of play. As he falls, he's whacked by the knees of Lawes, who is single-handedly taking all the Argentina side out.
38 min: Tiesi can't continue. He was properly larruped by Lawes. Imhoff arrives in his stead.
37 min: A time out, as Tiesi receives treatment after a big hit from Lawes. A shot of a miserable Cole in the sinbin. A retraction: he doesn't look like a sensitive singer-songwriter. More like the bass player in an Americana band.
36 min: The penalty's missed, needless to say. Rodriguez isn't much of a kicker. This one is Wilkinson'd about ten yards wide left of the posts! Dearie me. In fairness, that wasn't easy, but he's used up all his moral credit with earlier misses.
34 min: YELLOW CARD. This had been coming. Dan Cole refuses to let the ball go while rolling around on the floor. Maybe it got caught up in his unkempt sensitive-singer-songwriter beard. Either way, he's got ten minutes on the naughty step. And a penalty to Argentina, out on the left by the halfway line.
32 min: "Can't run with the ball, can't pass, can't tackle without fouling. Where have I seen this before? Oh yes, Wembley." Eddie the Shoe, ladies and gentlemen, posting on popular social networking farce Twitter.
31 min: "All black chokers, eh?" quips Bostbox.
30 min: OH DEAR, JONNY WILKINSON. A battle of attrition in the Argentinian 22. Eventually the strain is too much for Argentina, and a penalty's conceded just to the left of the posts. It's a nailed-on three points, but then something you'll have never seen before in your life: Jonny Wilkinson dragging a risible effort wide right of the posts. That was dismal, with a dash of surreal. The crowd go ballistic.
27 min: A big enforced change: Contepomi goes off holding his ribs, and is replaced by Bosch.
26 min: Suddenly, out of nowhere, Foden breaks brilliantly past a couple of tackles in the middle. He tears straight through the middle, but is eventually hit 30 yards out. Not before he flings a pass wide left to Armitage, though. There's not enough space to get past Cabello, however, and the move's brought to an end. The first flowing move of the match, though, and promising for England, a sign of what they can do when they decide to play.
25 min: England are seeing more of the ball, but doing very little with it. "I'd forgotten what 2003 was like, but one alarm call with a bleary-eyed cuppa and a hangover, it's all coming flooding back," writes Guy Hornsby. "With Wilkinson at 10 it could almost be 2003, but I had hair 8 years ago, I was in the pub, and a lot's changed since then. ITV's coverage is still rubbish though, and I think that big screen could be 2011's Tactic's Truck. It's toe-curling. I'm not going to even talk about THAT kit though. There are no words." That screen doesn't work properly, does it? I love the ten-second delay at every touch, the genuine worry that the software is going to crash, or the screen itself might physically fall off its stand as a couple of former internationals batter it with their big impatient paws. It wouldn't be an ITV Sport production without some level of high farce, now, would it.
22 min: England get some ball time in the Argentinian half, and wheech a few passes hither and yon. But then they set themselves a ruck 20 yards out in the middle, only to be caught short on numbers. The ball's turned over, and cleared to wild cheers. This is very much an away game for England. Black shirts, see.
20 min: PENALTY. England 3-6 Argentina. Sheridan clatters Contepomi in mid air. Yet another penalty. The referee's mood is now approaching thermonuclear, as he bollocks Mike Tindall. A yellow card can't be far away at this rate. Rodriguez finally gets his kicking boots on, converting the penalty from distance. This one was straight down the middle of the pitch, though.
18 min: England refuse to release the ball at the breakdown. How many penalties are they going to give away here? This is ludicrous. It's another kick at the posts from distance; this time Contepomi misses it to the right. The number of penalties Argentina are spurning is equally ludicrous.
16 min: Argentina were under a bit of pressure there, but Roncero threw himself into about 348 tackles to shore things up, and eventually England hang around far too long at a breakdown on the halfway line, and the whistle goes. And with it, the pressure. Penalty. Roncero has taken a boot in the head, and blood is pumping out of it. Meanwhile Rodriguez misses another long-distance thrash at the posts.
15 min: England are playing in black, though. They look preposterous.
13 min: After a shaky start, England are beginning to settle. Wilkinson buys 20 or 30 yards of pitch with a delicious kick dribbled through a gap in the middle of the park and into touch down the left. Argentina are on the back foot, but they claim the line-out, set themselves, and clear upfield.
11 min: PENALTY. England 3-3 Argentina. A high tackle from Roncero on Foden. Again with the apologies. But this is a penalty for England within kickable range, out on the right. Wilkinson sets himself up to whistles and boos. Hold on, that's not cricket! But this is rugby: a majestic kick straight between the posts. That was some effort.
9 min: Contepomi hits Wigglesworth in mid air as the England man claims an up and under. Things nearly kick off, but the Argentinian is quick to apologise, and the game restarts.
8 min: Argentina claim Wilkinson's restart and bale down the left wing. England concede another penalty for offside. The referee gives England a stern lecture: "That's three penalties in four minutes. Sort it out." Rodriguez can't convert from distance, though.
7 min: PENALTY. England 0-3 Argentina. Contepomi clips the ball over the bar and between the posts. No messing.
6 min: This is a really strong start by Argentina. They claim the line-out and set themselves in front of the posts. England are offside, Easter the culprit, but Argentina are sniffing around for a try. They so nearly force themselves over the line, but they're held up. There's no advantage, so that'll be a penalty in front of the posts.
3 min: A scrum to Argentina. England are offside. The ball's hoicked long down the right wing and into touch, a magnificent kick, winning Argentina a line-out deep in the England 22.
And we're off! Contepomi kicks off, Deacon claims the kick downfield. England waste no time in hoofing it back upfield. Argentina return it with interest. England will have the first line-out of the game. Nothing to report yet, really, but who expected anything from the first 30 seconds? "At The Stoop with OBO stalwarts Lynn Bashforth and Jeremy Theobald and a big screen," boasts big-leggy Gary Naylor. "I was going to ask if it was too early to be drinking beer but we've already started. Anyone else in the UK on the happy juice?" You've never been to the Guardian offices, have you.
The teams are out! And they're lining up to listen to the anthems. Argentina's one is lovely and stirring, like a nice night out at the opera, or a James Haskell interview. Vamos! The English one? Not so vamos. God save ourzzzzzzzz. In fairness to the organisers, though, they've tried to jazz up the dirge with a freestyle drum-solo intro. For a second I thought they were going to break into Clyde Stubblefield's pattern from James Brown's Funky Drummer. But no.
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